I don't know what chris' deal is...we never talk about it...it is just like grrr...i don't know what is going on...after the email he sent before i came up everything feels different...i just wanna know what he is thinking...and it is so hard for me to just say what i want to say to his face(or online) i just wanna know what happened...if we are only gonna be friends i can deal with that...but this whole not knowing and skirting around the issue is driving me crazy...

steph is doing good

kelli effin RAWKS

urg...too much party...too much sleep...too much everything...

and i can't find my pants

again

Holy crap....I just found the coolest desktop theme from FFX...it is all LuLu....she was by far my fav character..dark, moody, and pretty strong too...and she has the cute little animals...wheeeeee.....
Today was a really great day....i got a lot done...i got into a bad spot with my really good friend mike...he and i have been friends for a few years...and up until today we used to be bitching buddies...he would whine about his singleness...and i would do the same...blah blah blah...so today he had his first date in like 9 months...and he was all happy and so i was happy for him...and then he went off on how i was just being facitious in saying that i was happy for him...but i really was happy..and then we argued...but he went on to say i would never be happy as long as i was all gloom and doom...but i am a happy guy...yeah i have my obsessive days...but who doesn't...

but anyways...i worked a full day...and i went to the gym this morning...and got food...wheeee

and a possible roomate

:-)

So steph found someone to move into the upstairs...she is out with him right now


hope it goes good

1) I am alone
2) I will always be alone
3) No matter what someone tells you, they don't really love you
4) Guys will say anything to get what they want
5) I am unloved by all but myself
6) Friends are overrated
7) Sex is overrated
8) Pain doesn't lessen unless you let it
9) I wish i could tell someone how i really feel about them
10) I want to move far away


those are some things of the day

I don't wanna to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is even me
And i just want to be alive...

random survey..

Physical

Three traits you're happy to possess:
1: High pain tolerence
2: My nice dick :-P
3: Great eyes

Three traits you're not so happy to possess:
1: Fucking back hair (thank god NAIR does work for me)
2: Many scars
3: I'm kinda chunky still

Three traits you wish you possessed:
1: Taller
2: Skinnier
3: Less scaring on my body

Relationships
Three ideal mental characteristics of a partner:
1: Wittiness
2: Intelligence
3: Compassion

Three ideal physical characteristics of a partner:
1: my height or taller
2: cute face
3: GEEKY

Three things your partner should know and understand about you:
1. My past
2. I need to be told that i am loved
3. I need my space sometimes

Accomplishments
Three things you've done and are proud of:
1: Got off of heroin
2: I am no longer homeless (after 4 years of it)
3: I have a great job

Three things you've done and regret:
1: Burned down Sarah's house
2: with her child inside
3: after she shot my friend over $20 of meth

Three things you plan on doing:
1: Drug and alchohol counseling for gay teens
2: Owning my own business
3: Grow old with someone

People
Three people who have influenced you most:
1: My 8th grade science teacher
2: Liz Craney
3: The media

Three fictional characters you best relate to:
1: Anya and Anyanka
2: Faith
3: Ross from friends

Three people you'd like to meet:
1: Eliza Dushku
2: Joss whedon
3: a boyfriend

Ideals
Three things you'd like to see more of:
1: Money
2: Buffy
3: A New Found Glory

Three things you'd like to see less of:
1: War
2: Fucking Idiots
3: Girl/Boy pop bands

Three organizations you do or would support:
1: AIDS
2: Any drug rehabilitation
3: Domestic/child abuse

today's horoscope -
A rather upsetting dream could disturb your sleep tonight, dear Capricorn. When you awaken and get focused in the real world, it may seem so bizarre it isn't worthy of any serious consideration. Nonetheless, write it down later, and after some time has passed go over the symbols and see what they suggest to you. The dream is trying to tell you something about a specific situation in your life - albeit in a rather weird way!

which is weird...cux i had the same dream i wrote about a few days ago last night except this time brian said 'help'

weird....i hope he is ok

tomorrow's horoscope -
A public figure, perhaps an author, could capture your interest in some way today, dear Capricorn. This person may have a lot to say that appeals to you on a number of different levels, and therefore you'll want to acquaint yourself with as much of this person's work as possible. As a result, you could experience some valuable personal insights. Don't worry if your practical mind chides you for being obsessed. Sometimes a temporary obsession is a good thing.

I think that i offended god or somebody in charge...my friends are ignoring me...i'm poor...and yeah...i feel like shit..

But i have a place to live...i love myself...and i have a job and a car..


so i guess i am ok

i love the grocery store...

lots of yummy things to get..
I just completed my first grocery trip in a month(i was starting to eat the linoleum)...

so i got kicked off of food stamps...cuz i make too much money...blah...they suck ass...they recommended to go to the various food banks around town...mmmm...week old food...

but anyways...i am sad that brian's car broke down...for brian and for me...i miss out on having my friend here to work with me...and to just hang out...oh well

I'll live

x: name = Ryan
:x: piercings = PA, Reverse PA, septum, nipples, tongue and orbital
:x: tattoos = 11
:x: height = 5' 11"
:x: shoe size = 13
:x: hair color = Black
:x: length = short
:x: siblings = Nick - 23, Dan - 18

LAST...
:x: movie you rented = Possesion
:x: movie you bought = ummmm - Angel season one
:x: song you listened to = Deluxed - Delerium
:x: song that was stuck in your head = A goodnight's sleep by The Starting Line
:x: lp you bought = So Long, Astoria- the ataris
:x: cd you listened to = So Long, Astoria- the ataris
:x: person you've called = my roomie, Stephie
:x: person that's called you = Jen
:x: tv show you've watched = Angel
:x: person you were thinking of = Brian
:x: you have a bf or gf = No - BF's are lame
:x: you have a crush on someone = hmmmm...brian was my last crush
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = Anywhere that there are no people
:x: you think about suicide = Been dead once...didn't really like it so....no
:x: you believe in online dating = it exists...so i believe in it...but i don't do it
:x: others find you attractive = some people do
:x: you drink = Yes
:x: you do drugs = not anymore
:x: you smoke = Lately like a fucking chimney
:x: you like cleaning = i don't like dirtiness
:x: you like roller coasters = fuck yeah
:x: you write in cursive or print = Cursive
:x: you carry a donor card = yup

FOR OR AGAINST..
:x: long distance relationships = really depends on the distance
:x: using someone = not so much now that i am a good guy
:x: suicide = It depends on the situation
:x: killing people = once again, it really depends on the situation
:x: teenage smoking = It isn't my choice what others do to their own bodies
:x: premarital sex = I was married once...so i guess everything since than isn't premarital :-)
:x: driving drunk = Against
:x: gay/lesbian relationships = Um....duh
:x: soap operas = not so much

FAVORITES...
:x: food = The tavern buger at pilot butte drive-in
:x: song = Out of Reach - the getup kids
:x: thing to do = watch buffy and angel, listen to music
:x: thing to talk about = buffy and angel, life in general
:x: sports = Kickboxing, boxing
:x: drinks = vodka tonic, pepsi blue
:x: clothes = whatever the fuck i feel like wearing at the time
:x: movies = Donnie Darko, Chinatown
:x: holiday = Halloween
:x: cars = the ones that get me where i need to go
:x: books = Savage Love, and some scifi and fantasy

HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a boy = yes
:x: ever lied to someone = yes...i used to be evil
:x: ever been in a fist fight = too often
:x: ever been arrested = yup

WHAT...
:x: shampoo do you use = whatever is cheep
:x: cologne do you use = none
:x: shoes do you wear = sketchers, vans, adidas
:x: affraid of = being hurt and unloved...and being paralized

NUMBER...
:x: of times I have been in love? = twice
:x: of times I have had my heart broken? = lost count years ago
:x: of continents I have lived in? = one
:x: of drugs taken illegally? = seven
:x: of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = very few...like 2 or 3 maybe
:x: of people I consider my enemies? = a few
:x: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = for good things - a few times / for bad - 3 times
:x: of scars on my body? = too many to count
:x: of things in my past that I regret? = 2 or 3

FAVORITE...
:x: disney movie = Sleeping Beauty
:x: scent = hmmmm...does good BO count?
:x: word = fuck
:x: nickname(s) = Anya, vengence boy
:x: guy name= Daniel
:x: girl name = Natasha
:x: eye color = Hazel
:x: piercing = hmmm...probably lip
:x: actor = Jake Gyllynhaal
:x: actress = Faye Dunnaway

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty = not really pretty...but good looking
:x: funny = More lame/witty than funny
:x: hott = Yes i do
:x: friendly = not all the time
:x: amusing = i amuse myself, that is all that matters
:x: ugly = nope
:x: loveable = yes
:x: pessimistic = sometimes
:x: optimistic = sometimes
:x: caring = too much for my own good
:x: sweet = some of the time
:x: dorky = more geeky than dorky

So...

1) I am not meant to be happy for more than a day or two.
2) Dates are for punching
3) I only go out on dates with losers, who need to be punched
4) My father will always fire me for random shit
5) My father will always hire me back shortly thereafter
6) I LOVE Splinter Cell
7) I do not trust anyone
8) I want to trust people that i care about
9) When i am sad, I cry
10) When i am happy, I cry
11) I wish i could read some people's minds
12) I love myself even more when I am sad
13) I wish I could fix all of my friends' problems
14) Wishing is foolish

these are some things i learned today...yay me

When you woke up this morning, you may have felt an oppressive mood hanging in the air. Unfortunately, that haze of misunderstanding and conflict is likely to last all day. However, it makes this an ideal time to speak up about anything that's bothering you! Don't be shy about going on the warpath today. If you don't, dear Capricorn, you're likely to be the target of a surprise attack.

gotta love oppressive moods...yay horoscopes

and my Anya quote of the day...

Anya: I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom. I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and goods.

Holy shit...
It is a beautiful freaking day...not a cloud in the sky...kinda chilly but it will warm up...I slept on my new bed and damn i slept well...i havn't talked to brian, so i hope he is still coming...we are so busy at work...wheeeeee,...back to work i go...

brian..if you see this...send me a txt msg so i know when you are leaving...

You know...when i say no...it means NO...

I would really like to have a date where i don't have to hit the person when I say 'No...i am not into you...drop me off at my car...don't touch me' and they keep coming at me...

i am done...with guys, girls, humans in general...they all are lame and i don't care if the world ends tomorrow...

ok i do care...but i want to go away from everyone...

i'm sure i'll feel better later...after my hand stops hurting...

yay one of the only humans i can stand is comming back tomorrow...

my alarm never went off, so i just woke up...i missed the gym and am late for work...damnit...

today's horoscope -
Capricorns generally come up with the perfect witty answer one day too late. Impulse and intuition takes a back seat to their excellent self-control. The day ahead is an opportunity to let go of the inhibitions that characterize you. Yield to your instincts a little and see what occurs. A little more socializing wouldn't hurt either. Even Capricorns are entitled to some fun now and then...

and tuesdays -
When you woke up this morning, you may have felt an oppressive mood hanging in the air. Unfortunately, that haze of misunderstanding and conflict is likely to last all day. However, it makes this an ideal time to speak up about anything that's bothering you! Don't be shy about going on the warpath today. If you don't, dear Capricorn, you're likely to be the target of a surprise attack.

off to work i go...

YAY...

Brian and i talked tonight and things are ok...no broken ryan...no more neurotic ryan either...he is still coming back on tuesday and leaving friday...we are gonna watch spirited away(which i havn't seen) and buffy and angel...and work and eat real food this time(yay OTC)

so i am curling up with some tea and music...and reading some Savage Love and going to bed so i can get up at 5am to go to the gym and work and then go on my date at 7pm...fun day for me

I spent some time working on my webpage today...changing it a bit..if you wanna check it out -
http://www.geocities.com/justryan1976

I am hoping that i didn't piss off/freak out/chase away brian last night. I really like having him as my friend and i would rather have things be cool between us. My bitchyness and sadness was just me overreacting to the situation...i don't handle some situations well. I am trying to work on this. Steph and i talked about this a bit today. And i realized that i build situations up to the point of where i am in a dream world where everything is the way i want it to be..and when my little world doesn't go the way i wish it would be i get all butt hurt...this leads to lameness and me being all pissy at everyone else...

So from here on out i am not reading anything into anything...i am just gonna take life as it comes..the good and the not so good...

I wish tho that i could take back last night...where are the PTB's when you need them :-P

OK...so here is what i learned today...

1) Humans are inherantly evil
2) Humans will say anything to get what they want
3) Everything i touch turns to shit
4) I am not a loser, even when i feel like one
5) Brian and Steph are the only people outside my family that i care to even associate with
6) I am way too spastic for my own good
7) Feelings are the devil
8) I can fit a frisbee in my mouth
9) Caves are too cold to nap in
10) If you are honest about your feelings you will get hurt
11) If you are dishonest about your feelings you will get hurt
12) Feeling sorry for myself is lame
13) I am happy today

caves good....sleeping in caves .......BAAAAD...

So the sun is shining and it is a beautiful day. I have my windows open and i am just cleaning the hell out of my room (it is all cigerettey smelling...nothing a little Febreeze and some airing out can't fix)

i bought the new ataris cd for $8 last night...it has some rad songs...




and here is my anya goodness for the day...

Anya: I, Anya, promise to cherish you... Ew, no, not cherish. Uh, I promise to have sex with you whenever ... *I* want, and, uh...
[walking down off the platform]
Anya: uh, pledge to be your friend, and your wife, and your confidant, and your sex poodle...
Tara Maclay: Uh, sex poodle?
Anya: Yeah, why?
Tara Maclay: Um, I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows.

Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

I am going out to the caves to explore...and be away from my life and computer for a while...




Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide.

You know that moment when you think things are looking up...and then it turns out that they really arn't...i think i just had one of those moments...
It wasn't anything big...just a few words...but i felt like i was just ripped in half...
oh well...life goes on...i get up and brush myself off...
Brian had a crappy drive home...i feel bad about that...and i fucked up his tips for the week...and i was too clingy...and he doesn't like me in that way...
Life goes on...
i hope that he knows that i do just want to be friends...and that the cuddling won't happen again...
yeah it makes me a little sad but it isn't anything i havn't heard before...and probably will hear again...
so i just got asked out on a date for dinner on monday night...um...yay?

I can't sleep...i have this total sense of dread that something really bad is happening...i dozed off and had a really fucked up nightmare...

I was all alone in this endless field of dead or dying flowers, the sky was clear and blue. it was really nice tempeture wise. then steph, gabe, jen and daniel appeared and gabe told me that he thought i was a fucking idiot and it would have been better off to stay dead. Jen told me that the reason the world was the way it was because of me...and that i had done enough damage for ten lifetimes. steph just stood there looking at me. daniel handed me a knife and told me that i knew what needed to be done. then everyone (except steph) started talking at me at the same time...saying mean things trying to get me to kill myself...as i went to stab myself, steph grabbed my knife hand saying that it isn't time for me yet...that i still have more good to do...then they all disappeared and brian appeared...

Then i woke up...

why can't i just have happy normal dreams?

Ok...so this weekend was fun in a weird way....

Brian and i did pretty much nothing but watch Angel and eat cookies...we laughed and had fun..and got brian a job...wheeeeeee.

i had a blast and i hope that he did too...
I wish that we had gone out to the caves or gone on some fun run around town stuff...i felt like a totally horrible host by not doing anything...


he comes back tuesday night for buffy and to go to work wednesday and thursday...

i really hope that decides to move here...he would be a great addition to the bend cast... :-)

i really think that he is going to be a great friend...


I wish that i could read people's minds...it would make life so much easier for me..

Step 1 Get a frisbee from the store or friend.

Step 2 Clean the Frisbee.

Step 3 Make sure your parents aren’t around

Step 4 Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.

Step 5 Get really super pissed.

Step 6 Fold the Frisbee hard (this is crucial)

Step 7 Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth hard.

Step 8 Push hard until you can’t see it.

Step 9 Wait.

Step 10 Die.